The Correction: Entry 02 – Mama Showed Love

I caught myself doing it again.

That’s the thing about naming a pattern — you can’t unsee it. Since Entry 01 went up, I’ve been watching myself in real time. Mid-conversation, mid-meeting, mid-friendship. And there it is, every single time, quiet and automatic — the mental pivot towards usefulness. What do they need? What can I offer? How do I earn my place here?

It happened last week. Someone I’ve known for years. They weren’t asking me for anything. Just talking. Just existing in the way that people who feel comfortable with each other do. And I had already, without thinking, started building a case for my own value.

I caught it. And then I thought — where did this start?

The honest answer is: Ms Rose.

Not in a bad way. Let me be clear about that. My grandmother was the kind of woman who held an entire world together with her bare hands. She didn’t sit with feelings — she solved problems. She didn’t talk about love in the abstract — she showed it through action. Food on the table. Shoes on your feet. A roof that didn’t move. Ms Rose’s love was a verb, not a noun. And she was the most powerful person I have ever known.

I watched that, and I learned it, and I became it.

The utility I lead with — the constant need to be useful, to contribute, to earn my place — that’s not a wound. It’s an inheritance. I am, in many ways, my grandmother’s child. And I don’t want to disrespect that by treating it like damage.

But here’s the question I’m sitting with: is there a difference between showing love through doing, and only feeling worthy when you’re doing something?

Ms Rose showed love through action because that’s how she was built — generous, capable, unshakeable. I lead with utility because somewhere along the way I decided that my presence alone wasn’t enough justification for being in the room.

Same behaviour. Very different root.

That’s the correction. Not unlearning what she gave me — I wouldn’t trade it. But learning to separate the gift from the fear that’s been hiding behind it all along.

The Correction: Entry 02. More to come.